First, can you let me know what you’ve been up to since football?
Just working, It’s been a different kind of transition for me – just getting over a lot of stuff. Not in a bad way – I just kept a certain face on for a long time and decided it was time to move forward.
What kind of stuff?
Stuff about my sexuality. It wasn’t fun to go through that over my career.
How did you do so – what was the struggle like?
I stayed worried – that stuff isn’t loved or even liked in the NFL. It becomes a mask you have to put on. I realized that a lot of players put on masks for a lot of different reasons. It took me some time to understand that. You put so much into the game – the time and energy – your whole life gets put into it. I don’t regret it and putting on that mask, I just regret not saying something sooner I guess. I looked at the pros and cons. It’s not like many years ago when it wasn’t accepted at all socially, but when it comes to the NFL and comradery and your football career, you have to keep that mask on.
Were you afraid for your career should others find out – and did it impact how you played?
I had a love for football at that point. I grew up in a Christian environment – my life was about faith, family and football. The three Fs.
And you went to Liberty too!
Ha exactly! I had a relationship with God so I was all over the place mentally, but wanted to have a dope ass career.
So yeah I was worried. And it was always a distraction – I was always worried someone might figure it out. I was always looking over my shoulder. It’s hard enough just trying to make a team without having to deal with that.
Did you have any mentors as a young player?
My high school coach Bob Wolfe – he played a huge part in preparing me mentally. I didn’t like attention but I had a really good Sophomore season in high school. I kind of got thrown into the fire with interviews and out in front of a lot of people, and I wasn’t used to that. My coach taught me that the attention is what comes with the success. I hated it as a kid – I didn’t even love football then. I just wasn’t as mentally into it then.
Why did you start playing if you didn’t love it?
My mom put me into football in eighth grade. I tried it – I was fast for my age. I played football and track – just for the heck of it then. They had me playing defensive line then.
But you are 5’10”!
I know! I was just out there playing – I didn’t have any idea what was going on. But I got to start loving it and felt like it could take me and my family further, financially.
Anyone help mentor you once you got to the NFL?
Will Allen was one of those guys who really helped me. He wasn’t biased based on worrying about his job. A lot of players see you as competition but he didn’t care about that. He was a veteran and was in a position to find a sleeper on the team who could make some noise. He made it easy – he was welcoming and encouraging. He was also a man of faith and knew I went to Liberty so we had faith in common.
What made you decide to sign with the Steelers?
They called! It was over the last four weeks or so of the 2014 season. I was with Miami earlier but got hurt and was released in their last cuts. I was training after that and keeping hope alive when the Steelers called. I was placed on the Steelers practice squad the last four games – including the playoff game. I just went in with the mindset to have fun and win a job. I had no clue what the connection was and how they knew me. I just know Dan Colbert and I had been in contact before that.
They brought me back the next season but it was a numbers game. They drafted Senquez Golson and I just lost out on the numbers game.
Any fun memories over your time there?
I got to cover AB a lot – I welcomed it – I figured that was a way for me to win a job there. You couldn’t be scared to do that. He and Ben had a good connection. I think I stayed in a better position that most covering him. I just didn’t have any expectations when I was there.
They were all goofballs. My locker was next to Deebo’s – everyone was scared of him! AB was on the other side of me – I don’t know how I got in between AB and Deebo! I just stayed quiet most of the time! After that the next season my locker was moved to Troy’s old locker when he retired. It was weird to have that experience.
The first time I was there I remember Tomlin pointing me out to the other guys, challenging me. He wanted me to be physical. He’s the one that gave me the nickname “Two Gs”. It was unique and weird that he kept pointing me out when I first got there.
Who we’re some of there guys there that stood out to you as leaders or jokers?
Polamalu was a leader before he retired. But guys like Willie Gay were still fighting for a position, and Cortez Allen was hurt. It was a weird group – many were fighting for positions. There was less mentorship because of that – most were fighting for jobs.
Will Allen was a guy who was really willing to help. {Robert} Golden too – and Shamarko {Thomas}. They were real cool and open. Zilla {Valentino Blake} was real cool too. They were more open and tried to help. I mean, most of it you just have to do it yourself – that’s the job.
You played in the CFL for a while – what was that adjustment like?
It was a big adjustment – just how quick the game was. The time clock, the fact it was only three downs and the field was much bigger. I was used to playing outside but they had me play inside and you have more ground to cover doing that. But they had me return kicks too which helped me. It helped me to be more than just a defensive back. I was hoping to transition back to the NFL at the time so I kept seeing the CFL as a way back to the NFL.
I think I’m glad it didn’t in the end. It would have just been more pressure on me if I did make it to keep that mask on. I would have always been looking over my shoulder – it was always on my mind.
What advice or thoughts do you have for those going through that same identity concern in sports?
It’s hard. Society is more open – but it’s not like that really in football. I can’t say to just go and be yourself and be open – it could be the reason why you don’t go far and don’t get as many opportunities. It’s a very shitty and weird position to be in. It’s hard to go through life not being open. People can say “Just be yourself and be open.” But guys will be guys and don’t accept it – it is what it is. If you want to want to play football, you still have to make that sacrifice and not be open if you want a real opportunity. I wish it would change down the road though.
Do you see it changing at all?
Football is still the ultimate man’s sport. It’s BS that you have to just deal with sacrificing who you are but it is what it is. The CFL changed its logo and endorsed it in a way, but it’s more about the brand and not about the players themselves. It’s a step forward though I guess and I applaud every step taken. Rome wasn’t built in a day. But in this case I don’t think Rome is getting built! I don’t think they want to change the locker room dynamic. I think it just changes things. It’s a fucked up situation.
What is that next step for you?
I’m working at a warehouse right now. I am thinking about coaching – but it means dealing with that BS probably. I’m fighting myself on it. I want to coach but I don’t want to deal with the BS for those who don’t want to accept who I am. I’m coming around a little to the idea and caring less about what others think.
I think it could be helpful for those dealing with similar or other situations, knowing the experiences you’ve had…
Maybe you’re right yeah. It’s a struggle – I’m going back and forth about it. I just have to keep working on caring less about what others think of me.
Read more by former Steelers via the book Steelers Takeaways: Player Memories Through the Decades. To order, just click on the book:
